What do we do when we see our spouse responding with strong emotional reaction?  It is not uncommon to defensively respond to what we see or hear.  Conflict often arises when our spouses emotional outburst is directed toward you.   How we view conflict impacts the directions we take.  Some adults view conflict as something to avoid.  Others ignore conflict by pretending it isn’t there.  Many people see conflict as a problem in their marriage.

In the realm of learning about emotional intelligence, we all need to step back in the midst of conflict or strong emotional reactions. The movement of stepping back is learning to ask questions that lead to clarification during conflict in healthy ways.  Asking questions is also key to helping our spouse know that we love them and are interested in how they are struggling.  A young woman came home crying, her husband met her at the door and asked if she would sit down and talk with him.  He pointed out that she appeared very sad, and asked what her sadness was about.  She talked about having a hard day with the kids and she felt like a failure as a mother.  The husband listened and told his wife that he valued her tenderness. He asked her if there was anything she wanted him to do for her. She told him what she wanted was for him to listen.  They gave each other a hug, and the husband thanked her for what she shared.  In a different scenario, a  husband came through the back door angry as a hornet.  His wife couldn’t miss her husband’s anger.  She told him, “It seems that you are angry, tell me what happened.”  He responded “I am furious, after all these years of hard work and what I have done for this company,  my boss told me I was slaking on the job.  He told me he’s going to watch more closely what I am doing.”  His wife said, “Honey I understand your anger, your are one of the most trustworthy men I know, you are a man of your word, and hard working. I bet you feel betrayed by your boss.”  She watched her husband calm down and he spoke, “you get me in ways that no one else does, thanks.”

When we ask questions that communicates ” What you are going through matters to me” creates a sense of  being understood. This a powerful way initiating hope during difficult emotional situations. Learning how to ask questions is like artist, each person is different in how they will respond to these questions. So in each marriage it is important to get to know each other through friendship.  When you know your spouse well, this will help you know how to pursue what questions we ask that says, “What you are going through is important and I am interested in you.”

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The plans of a man’s heart are like deep waters.  It takes a person of understanding to draw them out.”  John Gottman, from the University of Washington, wrote a book called, “Parenting the Heart of your child, Raising Children with Emotional Intelligence.”  The focus of his book is to help parents connect in meaningful ways with children by showing them we want to understand their emotional expressions. What happens when we are faced with what we perceive as negative emotions? Many people see expressed anger or frustration as negative.  Sadness is often dismissed or responded to by wanting to make someone sad feel better. Learning how to deal with a child’s emotional outbursts is not easy, yet is vitally important.  Children need our help to guide them through difficult times via understanding and compassion.  The plans of our children’s hearts are like deep waters, they need parents of understanding to draw out what is going on within their hearts.

Dr. Gottman’s book focuses on  the development of  emotional intelligence. The book is practical and has many stories that illuminate the different ways people react to their child’s crisis or struggle. Gottman believes emotional intellegence starts through understanding a child by being attentive to and understanding of what emotions arise in our children.  Then helping our children see what their emotional expression is and how their emotional reaction is connected to experiential disappointment.

Adults benefit from knowing what Proverbs. 20:5 speaks to, we need people of understanding in each of  each of our lives who want to understand what is going on in our hearts.

A good marriage foundation is laid when couples offer each other compassion and understanding.  When couples offer emotional intelligence to each other, another foundation is laid, how to work through disappointments in healthy ways.  More on this later.