It was a very hot and dry summer day when a weekend trip to the woods for camping and fishing took place. The father was passionate about fishing and his knowledge about cutthroat trout took him out seeking and digging for worms. While the older son at 9 took a different pursuit attempting to catch grasshoppers. After catching a few quick and fast flying grasshoppers the boy put what he caught in a coffee can. When his dad came back to the camp, the boy with joy told his dad about what he caught. The dad gave his son the worms which the boy put into the can and with some effort put the on plastic cover.

Off they went to fish.  After several miles on a dirt road, kicking up dirt you couldn’t see through, the father found a promising fishing hole.  Asking for a worm, his son proudly found what his dad wanted and gave it to him. While fishing the father told his son to let the grasshoppers. Without thinking his son threw out the grasshoppers along with the worms.  When his dad asked for a worm to continuing fishing, the boy froze still. His father realized what his son had done. Powerful anger outburst from his father, while throwing his fishing pole into the stream.  Then the father walked past his, son getting into his car spinning gravel and dirt into the air as he left his son alone with his younger brother.

Filled with fear and a sense of shame that he was responsible for his fathers anger, the boy went and found his father’s fishing pole. Then walked in the direction that his father drove off.  Walking less than a 100 yards the boy could see a car approaching.  His hope was that it was his dad.  The car slowed to a stop and the door opened, the son handed his dad the fishing pole, got in the car sat next to his dad with he little brother sitting next to the door.  Dad turned the car around to head back to camp. All of the sudden the boy’s distressed heart opened up a gateway of tears,  he laid his head in his daddy’s lap.  While crying he said to his father, “I am sorry dad I won’t do that again.”  His father put his hand on his boy’s head and said, “that it is okay.”

The father’s response with voice and touch were tender and kind.  Looking back upon this experience, the boy knew his father loved him,  Strangely, though the event was never talked about again.

Children face vulnerability because they don’t have a maturity to understand intense emotional reactions. In this situation, when the event became closed to discussion, a child lacks the ability to comprehend what’s going inside their own heart and the heart of their parent. Opening up a discussion, with questions from the parent is vital.  For example, Dad asking a question, “son do you feel that you are responsible for my anger?” . If the son’s response is “yes,” the child is communicating their belief about the experience. When a parent understands a child’s belief system, the next step is to communicate love, understanding and compassion in response to what the child shares . More will be said about this in the next post.

Once or twice a week climbing a tree seeking out the unique glare of a car’s headlights, became an unspoken routine for a 10 year old boy.  The father came home late after drinking with his work buddies. His son understood the routine and often grew anxious waiting for his dad to come home.  Anticipating dad’s arrival, this boy angled his way 15 feet up a maple tree.  He came to know the glare of the headlights marking that dad was just down the block. Scurrying down the tree, the boy ran into the house before dad parked.  Dad’s focus after entering the door of the home was to eat dinner, then relax on the couch drinking a beer while watching TV.

What did the father’s son want to know from his father?  What follows is a different response from the father,(though it didn’t happen), reflecting what this young boy wanted to experience and know.

When dad walked though the door, he looked at his son, picked him up with an embrace of a tender hug.  The words that followed, “It is so good to see you my son.  I saw you come down out of the tree, were you looking for me to come home?  Take me out to the tree I want you to show me how you climb.” As the father watched his son, he remarked. “You as such a good climber, can I climb the tree and join you?”  A wide grin of surprise appeared on the boy’s face while saying “yes.” When dad reached where his boy was, loving words come forth, “Son, it is so good to be up here with you, I love you so much, I am so glad  you are my son.”  With a tender smile this boy responded, “Dad I love you too.”

Contrast what happened, how disappointment is shaped. What we long to experience matters. This is reflected in the story of what the boy wanted to know. To often the good that matters to us is forgotten or hidden when confronted face to face with disappointment.  There will be several stories to follow in the format of “What happened.”  What happened is a story of what took place.  The story that follows, is “What did I want to experience that didn’t happen.”