Sam’s mom was in the kitchen doing what she would typically do for the whole family. Preparing something yummy on this occasion chocolate cake. After entering into the kitchen, Sam asked his mom if she wanted some help. Her invitation was needing help cracking an egg. Handing the egg to Sam she told him what to do. As Sam cracked the egg it fell onto the floor. His mom graciously gave him another egg and in the second attempt Sam was able to crack the egg into the mixing bowl. While mom mixed the cake, Sam cleaned the mess on the floor with joy. As an adult looking back on this experience Sam spoke about his interest in cooking growing from what his mom taught him. Never once did he ever sense any condemnation, he was free to make a mistake and learn from it. Cooking was an affirming experience growing from the kindness of mom’s heart. We can see in this brief picture the power and goodness of compassionate love taking place through kindness and patience.

Whenever Sam disappointed his dad all that Sam really new was his dad’s anger and physical punishment. Sam’s dad was not kind, nor was he patient. Instead Sam’s dad was demanding and punitive in ways that laid a foundation of stressful expectation, “Don’t you dare disappointment me.”  Sam said he grew up living a life where he never allow himself a freedom to fail.  Whenever he did fail, Sam said, “I hid my failures from others with great fear of how others would respond to his mistakes.” Sam turned into a turtle when faced with criticism.  He hid inside a protective shell where no one could hurt him.  Sam went on to say, ” I never let anyone really get to know me out of a fear that if someone really knew me they would not care for or love me.”

Kindness caries great power for good. A person’s heart is encouraged through caring diligence in times of disappointment. Allowing a person the freedom to fail and to learn from their failures takes a child down a road of confidence.  Fight for what is good! 

It was a beautiful summer day, the warmth of the air pushed the family inside while rotisserie chicken baked on the barbecue.  Sam’s (who was seven) grandparents came to visit from Oklahoma.  Older in age they rested on the couch in the comfort of cool air.  Sam’s dad said, “Sam go out and check to make sure the briquettes are hot.”  Sam was compliant following his dad’s command.  Sam went out the back door then down 7 concrete step leading to the patio where the barbecue stood still.  Looking at the briquettes noticing they were partially ash gray but mostly tomcat black.  Not really knowing what to do, yet observing what his dad did, Sam picked up a can of charcoal lighter fluid and decided to spray ignitable fluid on the briquettes.  With poor accuracy, Sam spayed the briquettes along with the chicken. His dad stepped out the back door noticing what Sam was doing.  In a fit of rage the dad yelled, “you ruined the chicken!”  Immediately following these words, the father picked Sam up by his shirt into the air and pounded Sam’s bottom with fury.  After putting Sam down the father continued saying, “You are going to bed with out any dinner.” Crying, Sam walked up the stairs into the house while cupping his hands in front of his face hiding sadness from his grandparents.  After he made his way into the bedroom Sam cried himself to sleep.

What didn’t happen that mattered to this little boy? Compassionate guidance during a time of learning.  Sam didn’t understand that he was doing something wrong.  Sam was inexperienced, not intentionally doing something to make his dad angry.  Often children make messes, spill, or break items more often than not because of undeveloped skills.  When a child attempts to do something for the first time, something will be flubbed.  The more experience under their belt the more skilled they become.  Sam’s dad could have approached Sam with a learning opportunity. “Sam, I just saw you spray lighter fluid on the chicken.  Do you know what this does to the Chicken?”  Sam, “no dad.”  “Son, help me out here.  Let’s take the chicken off the barbecue.”  Sam helps his dad do this.  Dad said, “Sam we are going to pile the briquettes into a pile, they are hot, so we will use a trowel to move them, don’t ever do this without my support.  Now, we will put lighter fluid on the pile of briquettes. Dad holds the lighter fluid while Sam squeezes the can spaying fluid on the briquettes.  After the pile is lit, Dad invites Sam to place chicken on the skewer.  Once the briquettes are hot, and chicken is cooking, Dad thanked Sam for the help, while looking forward to teaching Sam the skills of barbecuing.  Dad also apologized to Sam for asking to check on the chicken without dad’s help.

Children best learn from their mistakes through a parent’s kind and compassionate guidance. Children benefit the most from compassionate learning experiences. 

When the boy started crying while laying his head on his dad’s lap, the father’s response was to calm his son by putting his hand on the boy’s head, while saying, “Its okay.”  The boy’s words, “daddy I am sorry I will never do this again,” reflects that the boy believed he was responsible for his father anger.  The father offered tenderness kindness in the moment of his son’s sadness.  What didn’t happen, the incident of dad’s anger and how this anger impacted his son was never explored.

When a child’s is exposed to intense anger, yelling, or demeaning words, a child’s heart can be shattered.  When a child’s heart is shattered, he or she may believe that they are not loved, they certainly don’t feel safe.  Fear that they won’t be loved creates an inner tension and anxiety.  What is a parent to do in the aftermath of an emotional outburst?  When the tension in the home dissipates, the stress of heartfelt brokenness is still present. Asking questions born out of wanting to know our kid’s heart is magnificent goodness offered through parents.  The purpose of our pursuit is to help our kids calm down by showing concern and care for what they are experiencing.

Here are some questions the father could ask: Son, when you were crying you said, “Daddy I am sorry I won’t do that again.”  Son, do you believe that you are responsible for my anger? Son, when I am angry do you feel safe and loved by me? Are you afraid of me when I am angry? Asking these questions with patience, in a kind manner will help a child to open up.  When a child responds, valuing their response is crucial.  Sometimes kids may respond to our questions with their own intensity.  Telling a kid who is upset, “I am so glad you are telling me theses things, you feel this way because I hurt you, I do love you,” may help them to calm down. Reacting in strong ways to what a child says will elevate their stress level and lead to a cycle of intense conflict, or withdrawal into silence.  In either case greater distance is created in relationship.

Parents will be disappointed with what their kids do or say. We don’t want to hurt others when disappointed, yet sometimes we do when we react harshly.  Every parents goes through stress.  Instead of taking out our stress to our kids, we need adults in our lives who will listen and understand what we are going through that helps us know that we are loved and understood. My hope is that you have others who are there to walk with you through your times of distress in meaningful ways.