When the boy started crying while laying his head on his dad’s lap, the father’s response was to calm his son by putting his hand on the boy’s head, while saying, “Its okay.”  The boy’s words, “daddy I am sorry I will never do this again,” reflects that the boy believed he was responsible for his father anger.  The father offered tenderness kindness in the moment of his son’s sadness.  What didn’t happen, the incident of dad’s anger and how this anger impacted his son was never explored.

When a child’s is exposed to intense anger, yelling, or demeaning words, a child’s heart can be shattered.  When a child’s heart is shattered, he or she may believe that they are not loved, they certainly don’t feel safe.  Fear that they won’t be loved creates an inner tension and anxiety.  What is a parent to do in the aftermath of an emotional outburst?  When the tension in the home dissipates, the stress of heartfelt brokenness is still present. Asking questions born out of wanting to know our kid’s heart is magnificent goodness offered through parents.  The purpose of our pursuit is to help our kids calm down by showing concern and care for what they are experiencing.

Here are some questions the father could ask: Son, when you were crying you said, “Daddy I am sorry I won’t do that again.”  Son, do you believe that you are responsible for my anger? Son, when I am angry do you feel safe and loved by me? Are you afraid of me when I am angry? Asking these questions with patience, in a kind manner will help a child to open up.  When a child responds, valuing their response is crucial.  Sometimes kids may respond to our questions with their own intensity.  Telling a kid who is upset, “I am so glad you are telling me theses things, you feel this way because I hurt you, I do love you,” may help them to calm down. Reacting in strong ways to what a child says will elevate their stress level and lead to a cycle of intense conflict, or withdrawal into silence.  In either case greater distance is created in relationship.

Parents will be disappointed with what their kids do or say. We don’t want to hurt others when disappointed, yet sometimes we do when we react harshly.  Every parents goes through stress.  Instead of taking out our stress to our kids, we need adults in our lives who will listen and understand what we are going through that helps us know that we are loved and understood. My hope is that you have others who are there to walk with you through your times of distress in meaningful ways.