Giving rise to hope opens a door to deeper desires embracing a pursuit of being known through joy and wonder in relationship.  Applying for the job that Cheryl told me about brought hope bringing us closer and eliminating the distance of a dating relationship. After applying for the job, waiting in anticipation for good news “You got the job,” would allow us to spend more time together, something we looked forward to.  We continued to talk weekly on the phone. Another trip was made and the time together was filled with wonder, joy, and adventure.  Another month went by without any news about the job.  It was December and Cheryl called.  She talked with her brother who told her the job was given to someone else.  She was discouraged and so was I.  For me there was still hope.  I had a trip planned to see her the week after Christmas.  I told her I looked forward to seeing her. I had no idea the hope of relationship was fading.

The flight was made, and Cheryl picked me up at the airport.  I stayed at her brother’s house who was gone that weekend. Cheryl told me she was busy and would have difficulty getting together with me. I made a call to her about getting together.  She avoided me.  I spent the weekend alone accompanied by a growing stress and anxiety of unknown origin.  The weekend came and was gone. The only time together with Cheryl was when she picked me up and returned me to the airport.  On the way back to the airport she told me our relationship was over, with this dreaded revelation I began to cry and couldn’t stop.  For the first time in our relationship she didn’t stay with me until it was time to board the plane. She walked away without even saying goodbye or I’m sorry.

I was alone and once again unloved or so I thought.  The pain seemed to great to bear. Coming home I hid the pain, saying nothing to anyone about the broken relationship. On my way to work, while stopped waiting for traffic, I made a dreadful and naive decision. The words spoken, “I will never let anyone hurt me like that again.”  Almost immediately the pain stopped and I felt nothing inside. I was 18, soon to be 19. This decision affected my life by repeating what was all to familiar, don’t talk about what happened, don’t think about what happened, and don’t tell anyone what you feel about what happened.

The brokenness of my heart was hidden, shut down, avoided, unspoken, buried, yet very present.  My desire to be enjoyed, cherished, loved, understood and cared for didn’t disappear.  I just told myself that these desires don’t matter.  That is what many of us do when our hope for goodness, love, and understanding fades away. What I didn’t know at that time but do know now, our brokenness matters, our desires are to be known.  God cherishes the hearts of those who are broken, captive, and lost. There is hope in the midst of despair. Sometimes it takes years to discover this hope, it is a worth while journey.

Looking back, I never told Cheryl thanks for showing me the love of God through the time we had together. She did. You know what else happened, I never realized I gave her a glimpse of God’s love for her heart in the time we had together as well.