After the loss of someone that I loved when 18 1/2 years old, responding to the pain in my heart, “I will never let anyone hurt me like that again,” my tears dried up. What pursuits did I embrace as a young man in response to the unresolved and buried hurt? I became enamored with the world of performance. Hard work, saving money, winning in sports, achievement academically and finding a beautiful woman were directions I headed to find something elusive to my heart and soul. My whole identity was wrapped up in outcomes, success, and finding significance through the approval of others. When facing unexpected disappointment I would respond with angry outbursts. When done with the outbursts I felt better, but those around me became more cautious. Clueless about how my anger affected the lives of others was the norm.

The pursuit of performance has its perks.  Making a great catch in the outfield to end the inning resulted in cheers and high fives. Achieving good grades became a foothold of conversation with others. Success is winning, success is being the smartest one in the class.  What I learned didn’t matter, did I get and A? The driven pursuit of performing soon became a solid foothold, or at least I thought it was, of  finding acceptance and significance. When I failed at something, working harder became the norm.  Working harder included increased hours of study, time at work and increased time on the courts or on the ball field. I lived and breathed the quagmire of performance.  What was this quagmire?

Encumbered with an unspoken doubt that any one would love me if they really knew me, became replaced with driven neediness believing, “I had to earn acceptance or find significance through my own efforts.” Trusting humans for loving and caring support were often met with intense disappointment. Not knowing how to work through disappointment in healthy ways, led to grasping for hope by being in control of my world.  For years  I was lost in performance and didn’t know it.