Ever realize that you are relating in ways that you’re not even aware of? May seem like a strange question to ask. Can we really answer this question? Let me explain.  Over Thanksgiving family came to visit. Talking to one family member, I had a hard time connecting with them. When the silence followed, my anxiety started to rise. What happened next, attempting to figure out what I could say to restart the conversation met with feeling like I was spinning relational wheels in the mud and going nowhere.

Anxiety in relationships been part of my life for years.  Relational struggle bared greatest anxiety with dad. Childhood years met face to face with dad’s displeasure and rage. Fear accompanied experiences that were not my responsibility, yet impacted my life. Rage, punishment and abandonment were dad’s mental model of coping with stress. Wanting to know dad’s love, behooved me directions of pleasing him. Pleasing him would bring the loved I hoped to know. I was a good boy doing what was asked of me. Being good enough never led to knowing his love. Persistence in being good led to unspoken heartache.

Pleasing others, putting pressure on myself hoping what I say or do betters relationships. When relationships aren’t bettered, my anxiety goes skyward. Pleasing others, how many times does this relational style bring about what I hope to know? Hardly ever. Efforts pleasing others put the onus of responsibility on my shoulders. How many times have I related living my life out this way with others?  More times not being aware.

Pleasing others will never bring about the love I wanted to know. Love is a gift from one’s heart. Pleasing others isn’t love, pleasing is a search for love that we never experienced from our caregivers. Love supersedes pleasing others.

Home environments differ greatly one family to another. How parents respond to children directly impacts self-confidence, security, emotional health, and self-esteem.  Secure attachment embodies parenting strategies building a child’s self-confidence, attending to a child’s emotional health resulting in a child’s development of self-esteem.

John Gottman wrote, Parenting the Heart of Your Child, Raising Children with Emotional Intelligence. He describes 4 styles of parental reaction to children’s emotional reactions. 1 Disapproving, 2 Dismissive, 3 Laissez Faire, 4 Emotionally Intelligent. Emotionally Intelligent parents attend to emotional experiences asking the child questions about feelings and helping the child understand how feelings are reactions to what they experience.  Next a parent will validate feelings while providing potential resolutions to problems related to the child’s emotional experience.

A Father called his daughter to say hello. She lived in another state with her mom. Typically his daughter would visit dad during the summers. The first words his daughter spoke, “Dad, I don’t want to come out this summer, I want to spend time with my friends, I never done this before.” Hearing these words left her father’s heart heavy with sorrow. Talking 10 minutes, dad ended the conversation and said he would call her back Saturday. Her dad thought through his own emotional disruption while pondering what his daughter might be going through. Calling the next Saturday, dad spoke, “Spending time with your friends matters to you. I wonder if the decision you made might have made me feel sad.” She responded, “Yes, daddy it was hard for me to tell you I didn’t want to come to see you over the summer.” His response, “It took courage for you to tell me you didn’t want to visit knowing your decision saddened me, I respect you for making this decision.” She responded with a sense of relief, “Daddy, I can tell you anything and you listed to me, I love you!”

This story is one example of emotional intelligence allowing this father’s daughter to speak openly to him. His response freed her to speak openly to her father. Gottman’s book offer’s many other stories which I believe are helpful in understanding parental emotional intelligence.

If you are more interested about emotional intelligence parenting, this is a very good book that I would recommend.