Ever realize that you are relating in ways that you’re not even aware of? May seem like a strange question to ask. Can we really answer this question? Let me explain.  Over Thanksgiving family came to visit. Talking to one family member, I had a hard time connecting with them. When the silence followed, my anxiety started to rise. What happened next, attempting to figure out what I could say to restart the conversation met with feeling like I was spinning relational wheels in the mud and going nowhere.

Anxiety in relationships been part of my life for years.  Relational struggle bared greatest anxiety with dad. Childhood years met face to face with dad’s displeasure and rage. Fear accompanied experiences that were not my responsibility, yet impacted my life. Rage, punishment and abandonment were dad’s mental model of coping with stress. Wanting to know dad’s love, behooved me directions of pleasing him. Pleasing him would bring the loved I hoped to know. I was a good boy doing what was asked of me. Being good enough never led to knowing his love. Persistence in being good led to unspoken heartache.

Pleasing others, putting pressure on myself hoping what I say or do betters relationships. When relationships aren’t bettered, my anxiety goes skyward. Pleasing others, how many times does this relational style bring about what I hope to know? Hardly ever. Efforts pleasing others put the onus of responsibility on my shoulders. How many times have I related living my life out this way with others?  More times not being aware.

Pleasing others will never bring about the love I wanted to know. Love is a gift from one’s heart. Pleasing others isn’t love, pleasing is a search for love that we never experienced from our caregivers. Love supersedes pleasing others.