What is good is not easy, but it is good! Sometimes life is hard, but what good is it that comes out of life’s difficulties? Many years ago I fell in love and felt loved by another person. I was all of 18 years old at the time. Her name was Cheryl. Being enjoyed and delighted in by each other brought richness to the relationship. Adventures together, talking about friends and family, opened doors to new friendships. Living in different towns we spent time together once a month, talking weekly on the phone. Life was good. I looked forward to the drive or flight to see her. The last time I saw her was a dreadful ending to something that was once good.  The relationship ended abruptly, something I did not anticipate. The ache I felt inside was not only painful but overwhelming. I did not know how to deal with the sadness, which I kept to myself. I eventually told myself that I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. The pain seemed to go away.  What I didn’t know, the pain was internalized, still part of my life in ways unknown to me. Many years later I was weary running from something that mattered. It was like, “I can’t run away from my pain. Its still there.

Paradoxically pain is important though not pleasant.  Ignoring our pain affects our relationships with others. We often respond with anger toward those who expose our pain. I’ve responded to others this way many times over the years. 

When we learn to acknowledge pain, this gives us the capacity to value and support those are going through painful times. Our pain is meant to be known/understand by someone else. Making sense of pain occurs in relationship with others. I believe dealing with our pain and the pain of others through genuine interest, understanding, and empathy is important. This leads to greater hope being loved through our relationships with one another. 

Even though I have heard the word desire many times, the knowing of desire in my own life has been misconceived. When I was young desires were unknowingly apparent as I experienced many interactions with different people, most importantly with mom and dad. Desires always require the involvement of someone else. What happens in relationship may meet one’s desires or send a message that our desires aren’t important to others. Looking back, relationship with mom met with kindness, patience, good will and love. Connection with dad met with impatience, reactive anger, desperation, emotional/relational neglect and abandonment.

A hope of knowing dad’s love, kindness, involvement, understanding, guidance, and patience became an unending search in my life. The search for his love turned into an attempt to please or do what I thought would make dad happy. I would do what he asked of me hoping to find appreciation. No matter how good I was, seeking his love and support were crushed by his reactions of anger, rage, and threats. I feared my dad even though I wanted to be loved by him. This led to wondering what is wrong with me, why can’t I get my dad to love me.  Finding dad’s love was beyond what I could get him to do. He could offer me a relationship he knew. Sadly what dad offered me left what I longed to know from him unfulfilled, ie, being loved and shown compassion.

Hardship followed. I felt alone and unloved, distrusting others, ignoring pain and disappointment.

Our longings to be loved, enjoyed and understood, to experience compassion, patience, and caring guidance are good and important. When our desires to be loved are ignored or met with anger, our desire to be loved turns into sadness.

Hope in my life changed when facing pain and hurt. Aware of my desires of not being loved by my dad.  Hope came from realizing my dad didn’t know how to offer a substantial relationship. 

What I desire, learning how to offer a substantial to other. This is what I desire to do, but am learning to do.