Even though I have heard the word desire many times, the knowing of desire in my own life has been misconceived. When I was young desires were unknowingly apparent as I experienced many interactions with different people, most importantly with mom and dad. Desires always require the involvement of someone else. What happens in relationship may meet one’s desires or send a message that our desires aren’t important to others. Looking back, relationship with mom met with kindness, patience, good will and love. Connection with dad met with impatience, reactive anger, desperation, emotional/relational neglect and abandonment.

A hope of knowing dad’s love, kindness, involvement, understanding, guidance, and patience became an unending search in my life. The search for his love turned into an attempt to please or do what I thought would make dad happy. I would do what he asked of me hoping to find appreciation. No matter how good I was, seeking his love and support were crushed by his reactions of anger, rage, and threats. I feared my dad even though I wanted to be loved by him. This led to wondering what is wrong with me, why can’t I get my dad to love me.  Finding dad’s love was beyond what I could get him to do. He could offer me a relationship he knew. Sadly what dad offered me left what I longed to know from him unfulfilled, ie, being loved and shown compassion.

Hardship followed. I felt alone and unloved, distrusting others, ignoring pain and disappointment.

Our longings to be loved, enjoyed and understood, to experience compassion, patience, and caring guidance are good and important. When our desires to be loved are ignored or met with anger, our desire to be loved turns into sadness.

Hope in my life changed when facing pain and hurt. Aware of my desires of not being loved by my dad.  Hope came from realizing my dad didn’t know how to offer a substantial relationship. 

What I desire, learning how to offer a substantial to other. This is what I desire to do, but am learning to do.