It was a beautiful summer day, the warmth of the air pushed the family inside while rotisserie chicken baked on the barbecue.  Sam’s (who was seven) grandparents came to visit from Oklahoma.  Older in age they rested on the couch in the comfort of cool air.  Sam’s dad said, “Sam go out and check to make sure the briquettes are hot.”  Sam was compliant following his dad’s command.  Sam went out the back door then down 7 concrete step leading to the patio where the barbecue stood still.  Looking at the briquettes noticing they were partially ash gray but mostly tomcat black.  Not really knowing what to do, yet observing what his dad did, Sam picked up a can of charcoal lighter fluid and decided to spray ignitable fluid on the briquettes.  With poor accuracy, Sam spayed the briquettes along with the chicken. His dad stepped out the back door noticing what Sam was doing.  In a fit of rage the dad yelled, “you ruined the chicken!”  Immediately following these words, the father picked Sam up by his shirt into the air and pounded Sam’s bottom with fury.  After putting Sam down the father continued saying, “You are going to bed with out any dinner.” Crying, Sam walked up the stairs into the house while cupping his hands in front of his face hiding sadness from his grandparents.  After he made his way into the bedroom Sam cried himself to sleep.

What didn’t happen that mattered to this little boy? Compassionate guidance during a time of learning.  Sam didn’t understand that he was doing something wrong.  Sam was inexperienced, not intentionally doing something to make his dad angry.  Often children make messes, spill, or break items more often than not because of undeveloped skills.  When a child attempts to do something for the first time, something will be flubbed.  The more experience under their belt the more skilled they become.  Sam’s dad could have approached Sam with a learning opportunity. “Sam, I just saw you spray lighter fluid on the chicken.  Do you know what this does to the Chicken?”  Sam, “no dad.”  “Son, help me out here.  Let’s take the chicken off the barbecue.”  Sam helps his dad do this.  Dad said, “Sam we are going to pile the briquettes into a pile, they are hot, so we will use a trowel to move them, don’t ever do this without my support.  Now, we will put lighter fluid on the pile of briquettes. Dad holds the lighter fluid while Sam squeezes the can spaying fluid on the briquettes.  After the pile is lit, Dad invites Sam to place chicken on the skewer.  Once the briquettes are hot, and chicken is cooking, Dad thanked Sam for the help, while looking forward to teaching Sam the skills of barbecuing.  Dad also apologized to Sam for asking to check on the chicken without dad’s help.

Children best learn from their mistakes through a parent’s kind and compassionate guidance. Children benefit the most from compassionate learning experiences. 

When the boy started crying while laying his head on his dad’s lap, the father’s response was to calm his son by putting his hand on the boy’s head, while saying, “Its okay.”  The boy’s words, “daddy I am sorry I will never do this again,” reflects that the boy believed he was responsible for his father anger.  The father offered tenderness kindness in the moment of his son’s sadness.  What didn’t happen, the incident of dad’s anger and how this anger impacted his son was never explored.

When a child’s is exposed to intense anger, yelling, or demeaning words, a child’s heart can be shattered.  When a child’s heart is shattered, he or she may believe that they are not loved, they certainly don’t feel safe.  Fear that they won’t be loved creates an inner tension and anxiety.  What is a parent to do in the aftermath of an emotional outburst?  When the tension in the home dissipates, the stress of heartfelt brokenness is still present. Asking questions born out of wanting to know our kid’s heart is magnificent goodness offered through parents.  The purpose of our pursuit is to help our kids calm down by showing concern and care for what they are experiencing.

Here are some questions the father could ask: Son, when you were crying you said, “Daddy I am sorry I won’t do that again.”  Son, do you believe that you are responsible for my anger? Son, when I am angry do you feel safe and loved by me? Are you afraid of me when I am angry? Asking these questions with patience, in a kind manner will help a child to open up.  When a child responds, valuing their response is crucial.  Sometimes kids may respond to our questions with their own intensity.  Telling a kid who is upset, “I am so glad you are telling me theses things, you feel this way because I hurt you, I do love you,” may help them to calm down. Reacting in strong ways to what a child says will elevate their stress level and lead to a cycle of intense conflict, or withdrawal into silence.  In either case greater distance is created in relationship.

Parents will be disappointed with what their kids do or say. We don’t want to hurt others when disappointed, yet sometimes we do when we react harshly.  Every parents goes through stress.  Instead of taking out our stress to our kids, we need adults in our lives who will listen and understand what we are going through that helps us know that we are loved and understood. My hope is that you have others who are there to walk with you through your times of distress in meaningful ways.

It was a very hot and dry summer day when a weekend trip to the woods for camping and fishing took place. The father was passionate about fishing and his knowledge about cutthroat trout took him out seeking and digging for worms. While the older son at 9 took a different pursuit attempting to catch grasshoppers. After catching a few quick and fast flying grasshoppers the boy put what he caught in a coffee can. When his dad came back to the camp, the boy with joy told his dad about what he caught. The dad gave his son the worms which the boy put into the can and with some effort put the on plastic cover.

Off they went to fish.  After several miles on a dirt road, kicking up dirt you couldn’t see through, the father found a promising fishing hole.  Asking for a worm, his son proudly found what his dad wanted and gave it to him. While fishing the father told his son to let the grasshoppers. Without thinking his son threw out the grasshoppers along with the worms.  When his dad asked for a worm to continuing fishing, the boy froze still. His father realized what his son had done. Powerful anger outburst from his father, while throwing his fishing pole into the stream.  Then the father walked past his, son getting into his car spinning gravel and dirt into the air as he left his son alone with his younger brother.

Filled with fear and a sense of shame that he was responsible for his fathers anger, the boy went and found his father’s fishing pole. Then walked in the direction that his father drove off.  Walking less than a 100 yards the boy could see a car approaching.  His hope was that it was his dad.  The car slowed to a stop and the door opened, the son handed his dad the fishing pole, got in the car sat next to his dad with he little brother sitting next to the door.  Dad turned the car around to head back to camp. All of the sudden the boy’s distressed heart opened up a gateway of tears,  he laid his head in his daddy’s lap.  While crying he said to his father, “I am sorry dad I won’t do that again.”  His father put his hand on his boy’s head and said, “that it is okay.”

The father’s response with voice and touch were tender and kind.  Looking back upon this experience, the boy knew his father loved him,  Strangely, though the event was never talked about again.

Children face vulnerability because they don’t have a maturity to understand intense emotional reactions. In this situation, when the event became closed to discussion, a child lacks the ability to comprehend what’s going inside their own heart and the heart of their parent. Opening up a discussion, with questions from the parent is vital.  For example, Dad asking a question, “son do you feel that you are responsible for my anger?” . If the son’s response is “yes,” the child is communicating their belief about the experience. When a parent understands a child’s belief system, the next step is to communicate love, understanding and compassion in response to what the child shares . More will be said about this in the next post.

Once or twice a week climbing a tree seeking out the unique glare of a car’s headlights, became an unspoken routine for a 10 year old boy.  The father came home late after drinking with his work buddies. His son understood the routine and often grew anxious waiting for his dad to come home.  Anticipating dad’s arrival, this boy angled his way 15 feet up a maple tree.  He came to know the glare of the headlights marking that dad was just down the block. Scurrying down the tree, the boy ran into the house before dad parked.  Dad’s focus after entering the door of the home was to eat dinner, then relax on the couch drinking a beer while watching TV.

What did the father’s son want to know from his father?  What follows is a different response from the father,(though it didn’t happen), reflecting what this young boy wanted to experience and know.

When dad walked though the door, he looked at his son, picked him up with an embrace of a tender hug.  The words that followed, “It is so good to see you my son.  I saw you come down out of the tree, were you looking for me to come home?  Take me out to the tree I want you to show me how you climb.” As the father watched his son, he remarked. “You as such a good climber, can I climb the tree and join you?”  A wide grin of surprise appeared on the boy’s face while saying “yes.” When dad reached where his boy was, loving words come forth, “Son, it is so good to be up here with you, I love you so much, I am so glad  you are my son.”  With a tender smile this boy responded, “Dad I love you too.”

Contrast what happened, how disappointment is shaped. What we long to experience matters. This is reflected in the story of what the boy wanted to know. To often the good that matters to us is forgotten or hidden when confronted face to face with disappointment.  There will be several stories to follow in the format of “What happened.”  What happened is a story of what took place.  The story that follows, is “What did I want to experience that didn’t happen.”

What do we do when we see our spouse responding with strong emotional reaction?  It is not uncommon to defensively respond to what we see or hear.  Conflict often arises when our spouses emotional outburst is directed toward you.   How we view conflict impacts the directions we take.  Some adults view conflict as something to avoid.  Others ignore conflict by pretending it isn’t there.  Many people see conflict as a problem in their marriage.

In the realm of learning about emotional intelligence, we all need to step back in the midst of conflict or strong emotional reactions. The movement of stepping back is learning to ask questions that lead to clarification during conflict in healthy ways.  Asking questions is also key to helping our spouse know that we love them and are interested in how they are struggling.  A young woman came home crying, her husband met her at the door and asked if she would sit down and talk with him.  He pointed out that she appeared very sad, and asked what her sadness was about.  She talked about having a hard day with the kids and she felt like a failure as a mother.  The husband listened and told his wife that he valued her tenderness. He asked her if there was anything she wanted him to do for her. She told him what she wanted was for him to listen.  They gave each other a hug, and the husband thanked her for what she shared.  In a different scenario, a  husband came through the back door angry as a hornet.  His wife couldn’t miss her husband’s anger.  She told him, “It seems that you are angry, tell me what happened.”  He responded “I am furious, after all these years of hard work and what I have done for this company,  my boss told me I was slaking on the job.  He told me he’s going to watch more closely what I am doing.”  His wife said, “Honey I understand your anger, your are one of the most trustworthy men I know, you are a man of your word, and hard working. I bet you feel betrayed by your boss.”  She watched her husband calm down and he spoke, “you get me in ways that no one else does, thanks.”

When we ask questions that communicates ” What you are going through matters to me” creates a sense of  being understood. This a powerful way initiating hope during difficult emotional situations. Learning how to ask questions is like artist, each person is different in how they will respond to these questions. So in each marriage it is important to get to know each other through friendship.  When you know your spouse well, this will help you know how to pursue what questions we ask that says, “What you are going through is important and I am interested in you.”

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The plans of a man’s heart are like deep waters.  It takes a person of understanding to draw them out.”  John Gottman, from the University of Washington, wrote a book called, “Parenting the Heart of your child, Raising Children with Emotional Intelligence.”  The focus of his book is to help parents connect in meaningful ways with children by showing them we want to understand their emotional expressions. What happens when we are faced with what we perceive as negative emotions? Many people see expressed anger or frustration as negative.  Sadness is often dismissed or responded to by wanting to make someone sad feel better. Learning how to deal with a child’s emotional outbursts is not easy, yet is vitally important.  Children need our help to guide them through difficult times via understanding and compassion.  The plans of our children’s hearts are like deep waters, they need parents of understanding to draw out what is going on within their hearts.

Dr. Gottman’s book focuses on  the development of  emotional intelligence. The book is practical and has many stories that illuminate the different ways people react to their child’s crisis or struggle. Gottman believes emotional intellegence starts through understanding a child by being attentive to and understanding of what emotions arise in our children.  Then helping our children see what their emotional expression is and how their emotional reaction is connected to experiential disappointment.

Adults benefit from knowing what Proverbs. 20:5 speaks to, we need people of understanding in each of  each of our lives who want to understand what is going on in our hearts.

A good marriage foundation is laid when couples offer each other compassion and understanding.  When couples offer emotional intelligence to each other, another foundation is laid, how to work through disappointments in healthy ways.  More on this later.

What is Jesus wanting us to comprehend when speaking that he has come to “set free those who are captive”?  Jesus speaks about our hearts and who or what we turn to in order to find significance, hope, peace, love, and meaning.  In my later teens my greatest sense of significance emerged from excelling in sports signified by winning.  A change in direction of finding hope, love, and meaning in relationship arose as an 18 year old falling in love.  Being enjoyed, appreciated, and delighted by a beautiful girl brought a hope of being valued and loved.  The experience was a life of joy I’d never know before.  Looking back upon my own life, may reflect that each of us take our hearts in different directions of finding significance or love.  Jesus understands these pursuits of our hearts.

When ever we turn toward a person to find a good relationship, performing well at sports, or working hard; we carry within our hearts seeking hope to experience love, support, care, value, significance, and respect.  What ever we turn to find hope may turn into despair.  The accompanying emotions of despair, and how one handles despair may usher in captivity to our hearts. Looking back, when playing well in a basketball game, I felt good inside, when playing poorly I was hard on myself.  When we lost a game I was angry, when we won a championship I was elated.  The joy of playing focused on how well I performed and winning a game.

Being enjoyed and delighted  soon ended when my first love ended. How did I deal with this disappointment? I never understood the importance of struggle and taking my heart to someone who would understand what I was going through.  Instead, I shut down the hurt and sadness in my heart.  I believed that to find love and be valued centered on what I could do to make a relationship work.  In other words, I attempted to be in control of a relationship.  If you have done this you know the mess a relationship becomes.  When attempting to be in charge or control of a relationship, we are putting our trust on what we can do to get others to care for us. When we trust what we are doing to find hope and love from others, this leads to captivity.  As we put pressure on ourselves to get someone to care for us, we become dependent on how this person responds to us.

Jesus offers something that rises a different hope, he loves us for who we are.  He knows the desires of our hearts, what we long to know in relationships.  Jesus wants us to discover who we are and to live our lives out serving others with a sense of joy and confidence.  When we do experience disappointment, Jesus wants us to understand the compassion he offers in our experiences of despair.  The paradox, dealing well with despair is the key to freeing our hearts.  Taking charge of despair and doing what we can to avoid or make it go away leads to captivity of our hearts.  We cannot free our own hearts through what we can do, knowing that we are loved and care for by our creator is the basis of experiencing a freeing our hearts.

What would cause a person to become a “good person”, who avoids conflict.  My friend shared that he feared conflict.  When asked what he meant by this, his fear during conflict meant being rejected and unloved.   His father was a very hard worker.  When his father was in the home there was an expectation of peace. His father drank 4 to 6 beers before falling asleep on the couch.  If there was to much noise in the living room, his father would wake up long enough to yell at his kids to shut up.   This happened almost every evening when his father was home.

This friend spoke about the emotional and physical abuse when he was a child.  When asked how he coped with the abuse, my friend responded, “I became a good boy.”  He thought that by being a good boy would prevent his father from becoming angry.  My friend said that he believed, as a child, that he was responsible for his father’s angry reactions.  Looking back to his father’s reactions, no matter how good he attempted to be,  his father’s disappointment emerged with anger outbursts.

Attempting to be a good boy turned into a dutiful attempt to find hope in a difficult relationship.  My friend always hoped that his father would offer patience, kindness, and support, which never took place.  In his attempt to be a good boy created a difficult situation.  No matter how good my friend attempted to be, he began to believe that he wasn’t good enough for people to care about him.  This belief didn’t make him stop his attempts from being good enough.  Driven by a life of doubt, he wondered what he could do to find hope for someone to care about him.

The dutiful life of being good enough never found fulfillment in my friends life.  What he discovered that changed his life came from an understanding that he is loved and cared for because of who he is. To serve others is the greatest gift he possess.  Where did he learn about this love he always longed to know?  He learned about this love from friends and a deepening understanding of Christ’s love for his heart.

God does his greatest work through people in the church and there are times when those who go to church do the greatest damage when it comes to showing people the heart of God.  Is it God who is dutiful in his approach to our hearts or is it the members of the church and how they understand faith that leads to a dutiful life?  To often the dutiful life grows out of a world of assumptions about life challenges instead of having a healthy curiosity of understanding our own heart or the heart of others.  Missing the heart of a man or woman is quickly lost, when the focus of our problems shift toward an external view of our lives, thus giving rise to a dutiful way of problem solving . The explanation, when you go to church and give a tithe or pray and have faith in God, your life will be one of abundance and hope. If you experience hardship, strife, or crisis, these struggles mean that you are doing something wrong and you have displeased God. The solution, in order to restore a good relationship with God (determined by your struggle going away) you must pray more, attend church more consistently, pray more often, give more money or have more faith. The message of a dutiful life: “if you struggle with life you are lacking in your relationship with God.” There are paths you must go down to understand God does not want us to struggle or suffer.  The understanding about the dutiful life is where we learn to avoid, deny, ignore, or pretend that life isn’t hard, excruciating, or unfair, or to believe that my struggle is up to me to fix.

The dutiful life is disastrous.  A dutiful person may see the pain in others while denying their own wounding.  Will they see the value of someone else struggling, not likely, because they have never known the value of their own suffering.

Jesus quotes Isaiah 62:1-2, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”-Luke 4:18-19  Jesus words reveal an understanding our hearts in so many ways that others have ignored.  Obeying God is about caring for others in the ways Christ cares about us. The struggles we face in life serve a purpose of hope that Christ wants us to embrace.

A good friend shared about his struggle reading the Book of Numbers in the Old Testament.  There is a theme that he saw through the humdrum of what he read.  The theme, Moses obeyed what God asked him to do.  When you hear the word obedience what is your initial response?  My friend said that he reels when he hears this word.  When I hear the word obedience there is a heart reaction of impending doom or disaster.  What is behind these reactions?  Dutiful, do what I have told you to do!  Being dutiful is about doing what you have been told to do that another person believes what will make your life better.  The problem with being dutiful is that someone else knows better how you should live out your life.  If you have been dutiful, you will likely have a heavy heart.

Obedience to what God speaks isn’t about bettering our lives, obedience is about loving and caring for people.  God’s desires for each of us is to know and experience the love, compassion, grace, and discipline that will guide our own hearts to care about each other.  When we care about others disappointment is something we can’t avoid. To care and love others in the midst of disappointment takes courage and strength.  God’s hope for each of our lives is to free our hearts from how we attempt to avoid the struggles we face.  God’s heart is to take us down a healing path embracing what is impacting our hearts.

Being dutiful takes us down a different road,  a road that we or others believe will prevent us from struggling in this world. There are different understandings of being dutiful that will be shared in the next posts.  One form of dutifulness comes from a fundamental church, the other from an alcoholic father.

Remember, obedience too often is confused with the pursuit of being dutiful.  Obedience expresses love and care in the midst of  life’s struggles.  Being dutiful avoids the struggles of life through attempts of living  a good and “righteous life.”